Headlines from the future...

Today I’m feeling spry, so I’m posting something new and hopefully entertaining. Please feel free to add anything you can think of.

Everyone around the world is caught up in the future. What will be, what could be, and what they can do to make it that way. Well I’ve relieved you all of that burden for one Friday afternoon. Below you will read future news headlines based on who takes control of this country.

Every movie trailer these days starts off with that deep voiced announcer guy saying the line:

“In a world”…

Well here it is:

In a world run by liberals:

“President H.Clinton visits China this week to study their triumphs in socialized health care”

“Migrant workers finished construction on the new Teddy Kennedy Memorial Library and Lounge. When asked for comment, Senator Kennedy did two body shots off of a 19 year old Harvard coed, scratched himself and passed out”

“Scientists this week have discovered that by farming stem cells from the brains of babies under one year old they can reduce the time needed to grow the cells for study in the laboratory.”

“In a related story feminist activists across America are now lobbying for ‘post-birth abortions’ claiming that “if the newborn was really a person and didn’t want to be aborted it would say so”

“In an effort to increase sensitivity on America’s borders the INS has recently placed refreshment stations every 5 miles along the US-Mexico border. This is the latest effort to improve American – Illegal alien relations. Previous initiatives include ‘Welcome to America’ gift bags and free ferry service across the Rio Grande”

“Demolition concludes this week on the last war memorial standing in Washington D.C. In a press conference this yesterday Secretary of State Streisand remarked ‘it’s about time we stopped glorifying the murder of millions of enemy combatants’ she stated further: ‘if the blood-thirsty soldiers of the United States had just tried to reason with the other armies all this death could have been averted’”

“Congress this week passed the most comprehensive eminent domain bill to date. Included in the bill are statutes that will protect the poor and improve the equality of neighborhoods and small towns by allowing local governments to ‘acquire’ houses that are over 1500 square feet larger than the average house in a 20 mile area and redistribute the land into smaller home-sites for those who are on welfare”

“The Supreme Court today announced its ruling on the controversial ‘Hate Speech’ bill, stating that it could not stand in its current form because it contains the word ‘hate’ which has been banned since the landmark case: ACLU vs. The First Amendment in 2012”


And not to play favorites, here is the other side of the coin



In a world run by Conservatives:


“President Robertson said today in his weekly radio address that though he has no idea who assassinated Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro, he’s sure that the shooter was well trained and the two dictators felt little of the pain they had caused the millions of people they slaughtered on their way to the top”

“In an effort to quell anti-American sentiment in Mexico the INS has added automatic taser rods to the 30 foot wall that runs along the southern United States border. It has further instructed it’s border guards to wait for the would be illegal to be shocked into unconsciousness before shooting.”

“New New Orleans celebrated its 10th birthday this week in what has become the largest yearly birthday celebration of any city in America. Former mayor Ray Nagen marked the anniversary quietly from his prison cell where he is serving a 50 year sentence for gross negligence which led to the deaths of thousands.”

“Vice President Nugent was involved in a hunting accident this week while hunting turkey in Arkansas. Several members of the media are still unaccounted for. When asked to comment on the oddity of taking journalists hunting VP Nugent replied ‘Who else would I take hunting during grenade season?’”

“Today marks the 2nd anniversary of New Texas (formerly Iran). In a speech made before the barbeque began Governor George Q. Bush remarked ‘oil production is up, the golf is great and at least it’s a dry heat’.”

“Supreme Court Chief Justice Scalia this week and a landmark ruling placed a permanent gag order on the ACLU and its lawyers.”

“In a related story frivolous lawsuits are down 400% this year”


So there you have it folks, please feel free to send me any headlines I might have missed.

Cheers,


Captain.