Today’s post is all about the things I see in everyday life that I find completely odd. Strange. I even know the reasons that many of these things are the way they are, but I still find them utterly baffling.
1) Gym Homies.- So I’m riding the bike at the gym (which at LA Fitness is on the second level overlooking the machines) and I see this guy that looks like he fell out of a bad rap video circa 1998. He was dressed in the requisite basketball jersey, baggy shorts, shin socks, Nikes, and baseball cap with no bend in the bill canted off ay a jaunty angle for flair. All red and white, all matching, giving him the effect of a poorly rendered peppermint. He also had the K-Fed beard and mustache combo, and a silver chain thick enough to tow my Honda around his neck. This guy couldn’t have been any more pale if he had smeared himself in Elmer’s glue. Dude, WTF?
2) The price of beer. This is one of those things that I understand…to a point. I am, without a doubt, a beer snob. If there’s a commercial for it with a dog, a bikini team, or a celebrity, chances are I’d rather wash dishes with it than drink it. I understand that microbrews are not made by staining water yellow by running it through a hose packed with wheat and hops like the big beers and therefore is much more expensive to make. Fine. I wouldn’t have said anything about this except about three years ago I was introduced to a little beer called Yeungling. Funny name, great beer. Yeungling is brewed at the oldest brewery in America, comes in several varieties, and can even make a root canal seem fun. It’s so tasty I can’t even explain it. And here’s the kicker: It’s cheaper than almost any beer on the market. A case of this stuff is around 8 dollars and change. Now, microbrewers of America, tell me why your beer costs so much again? WTF?
3) Activists. Has anyone ever noticed that all the so-called “Activists” in this country are usually the least active people you’ll ever meet? The conversation goes something like this: “Hey man, my name’s _____” “Oh hi, my name is ____” “So what do you do, ____” “Who me? oh I’m in sales at a computer company, what do you do” “Oh, I’m an activist”. End of description. The correct definition is “I sit around on my ass thinking shit up to boycott, picket, and generally yammer about until things are the way I think they should be, even though I don’t really contribute anything to society as a whole. And I’m not taking sides here either. I could care less if you and I agree on every single point politically, religiously, fundamentally, morally, culinarily, whatever. If you spend your life taking the resources I and billions like me work to produce each year and your only contribution is to stand around with other idiots and yell about something you don’t like, thinking that somehow your presence on the street with a candle means a damn thing to anyone, then please by all means let me invite you to hug a Marta bus…while it’s moving.
4) Spas. I’m going to get shit for this one. I understand that it’s nice to be pampered all day, have some stranger rub you in ways your husband or wife could not understand, and are probably too lazy to do, and generally get slathered with anything from the mud you work so hard to keep out of your carpets to chocolate to bat shit. What I don’t get is the things these people who run the spas come up with to get people in there, or convince them that they’re doing something healthy for them. In Hershey, PA you can go to a spa that will let you take a bath in Chocolate. WTF? I know we all have that one substance we dream about bathing or swimming in, (beer, wine, Jack Daniels, beer) but really, what exactly does smothering your body in that much sugar do besides give you ass zits the size of hacky sacks? I want to see the “Functional Spa for People Who Hate Bullshit”. This will be the spa that just uses the right thing to get whatever job you want done done. Want a facial? I’ve got a sand-blaster. Need to feel refreshed and awakened? How about a nice tub full of ice? Need a back massage? I’ve got a pneumatic hammer over here that should do the trick.
There, I feel better. I’ve compiled a completely vapid account of things I think are strange with no real value to anyone.
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