Things to do in Alpharetta when you're dead...

First read this: Open letter from David Cross to Larry the Cable guy

Now read the email comment I sent in.

Will he answer? Who knows. Why did I write? I probably need a life.

Hi Dave, greetings from Roswell (the origin of your pain). I have to say first that you have amused me from time to time, mostly on Arrested Development. Having spawned from the heart of Larry’s geographical demographic, let me just say that I will first take it on faith that you’re intelligent enough to know that the stereotypes about southerners are to be taken with a grain of salt, just as the stereotypes about self proclaimed intellectual dilatants brandishing thick rimmed glasses and ironic t-shirts should. That being said I really have more of a question than a comment. Having read your open letter, the Rolling Stone article, Larry’s rebuttal, and the comments herein, I’m wondering if you are playing the part, or if you and Larry are actually sparring over what amounts to nothing. Now, please don’t think that I’m labeling your heartfelt political views as irrelevant or worthless, I wouldn’t lower myself to such a judgment. To do so will only accomplish the very same outcome as you two (you and Larry) have wrought. If this tete a tete is indeed real, and you both are truly sparring, then to do so publicly is (besides your right as an American) merely pandering. I understand that you each stand atop opposing hills, each assured of his own supremacy, each firing arrows and barbs at the other seeking to undo him if even a little in the eyes of his piers. But really, is this anything more than an idle stunt, or are you really convinced that your opinions are vastly superior to Larry’s? (Keep in mind since I’m guessing Larry doesn’t frequent your website, I’ll be writing him the same missive later). I’m not taking a side in this, as neither of you has really shown the ability to present an even remotely compelling argument, but then again that’s the entire reason I ask the question. “Are you serious about this?” If you’re simply rebuffing Larry (or Dan, take your pick) in this public forum to create a small stage on which to perform then bravo, your letter was slightly entertaining. But if this is really you, David Cross (or whatever name you take when not performing) and you truly believe the things you wrote (including your place in a higher intellectual plane from those who find Mr. Cable Guy’s style of comedy funny), then how is it that you can logically separate yourself from those you verbally thrash? I won’t use the “H” word (that’s hypocrite for those who’s political ideology falls into a category with the word “Wing” in it) but seriously, did you even blush when you lit into several groups with all the practiced virulence of an angry 15 year old girl who’s been denied her own phone line? Sure, there are large groups of people in this country who don’t believe as you do, or as Larry does, or as I do. And many of these people are, regrettably, those with access to the more pervasive forms of ideological purveyance (yeah, I know, that sounds like I’m just trying to use big words…and I was) heh, but I digress. It usually falls to the loudest, most ignorant and obnoxious idiot each side can find to act as the filter by which each ideology is spewed upon the public at large. But honestly, are you stitching yourself into the socio-political fabric of your country or are you giddily trading verbal bitch-slaps with a fellow comedian for fun and an increased readership? Either way, I don’t much care, but I couldn’t help taking up a precious 5 minutes of your time. I must have low blood-sugar. As I said, from time to time you’ve amused me, and I really do hope Arrested Development gets picked up by Showtime. Please feel free to respond if you feel so inclined, I enjoy debate, and verbal bitch-slaps. If Larry answers (even if you don’t) I’ll forward the answer to you for your enjoyment.

With surprisingly little flatulence for a southerner,


David Bryant

P.S. The title of the email was intended to be a clever allusion to puppetry, but I changed my mind and was just too lazy to change it.